Run to Which Roar?

Down through the ages, we've all (some more than others) been told to run to the roar. The first time I heard it caused me to withdraw and ask myself why would I want to present myself back to the place of  fear. I wanted as far away as I could get from it. Roaring sounds a bit dangerous and conjures up pictures of a lion about to go to war. With YOU in its sights. Yet, if we think about it, it can also bring up pictures of protection, much like a lion warning those that are advancing upon his pride. Do we run back to the place we ran from, facing our fears? Or do we run to the place where protection is provided from the source of the storm, the source of the danger/fear? Puts things a bit more in perspective. Right?

I've been told that sometimes the greatest safety comes from going to where the fear seems to originate. To confront the problem, instead of running away from it. As with everything, there is a right way to do this, and a wrong way. I also believe there are some problems one should just let lay (or lie), and move on away, because the mess is just too much. Others should be looked in the eye and solved. Trust me...

Today, on my morning walk, I had a talk with the One who rescued me from myself, years ago. During some pretty terrifying years, God stuck close to me, even though I wasn't nearly as aware of His presence then, as I am today. All through my adult years, He made himself known to me in the middle of the storms that seemed to follow me. The storms that were sent to devour me and set me on a much different path than what He had planned for me. Storms that continued in a much different way than they began, but still with the purpose of devouring. First the body, then the mind (spirit). 

Some may think it's impossible to have a conversation with God. Some may think it would be a one-sided conversation. It's not. It's during the times of needing a friend to talk with, I feel His presence the strongest. Morning walks are the most refreshing time of the day for me, where many times I return home with new clarity and ready to "run to the roar," or allow peace to cloak me. My protector shelters me until I can stand on my own and confront my fear(s).

So, if the greatest safety comes from going to where the fear seems to originate, how do we access that?

Storms of life come in different sizes. Some are physical, some mental. Recently, I asked a close friend why must we always run to the roar. There wasn't a response to that question, so I assumed he knew I already knew the answer. I did. It would have been wasted time and space to respond to it. 

I am presently having a battle in my mind of gigantic proportions. The battle surrounds a period of time where I constantly felt the need to run away. Having a daily onslaught of what felt like targeted attacks on not only myself, but my children as well. So much misguided pain developed over a period of the next few years. And even though there will always be a battle to confront, it just feels so very good not to have to face the memory makers that caused such heartbreak of years gone by. Let the past be the past, right? Why must I run to this roar? It's been quiet for so long. Why must I poke it and face it? I know it's my choice and I really don't relish the thought of it. Thus the visit with Truth; the One who will not steer me wrong this morning. "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." ~Psalm 61:2

Sometimes the greatest victory comes from reducing the size of the roar.

As usual, here you will find me...in Mary's World

Seriously?

I have been asked, more than I would like to admit, why I'm so serious all the time. Some (usually family), think I am mad occasionally. One particular person told me I have a "resting _____ face." Didn't have a clue what she meant. She had to explain it to me. Seeeee....I'm STILL fairly innocent. Or maybe I just walk in a different realm and guard what I'm listening to. Or maybe I'm basically a hermit and have no idea what's out there. 😂

So, for those who have wondered, (you HAVE wondered, right?), here's why I'm of such a serious nature:

1) First, and foremost, I couldn't begin to explain the activity that happens in my brain 24/7. I AM a thinker. Most likely, an OVER-thinker. Seriously...

2) I was raised in a very serious family. Yes, they had their moments of full on laughter, but for the most part we had to be of a serious mindset in order to get done all that needed doing. Seems as if we were "on guard" most of the time, as well. Serious business...

3) I may lean a bit towards perfectionism. Admittedly I take life too seriously most of the time, because of the high standards that were set from the moment I entered the world. Seriously...

4) I used to be a people pleaser and had the need to be heard. To fail, meant I wouldn't be accepted. That takes some serious seriousness...

5) I was raised with strong Christian beliefs. We were valued because of our high moral standards and principles. It seems to be true that what a child learns the first 5 years of their lives will be their guiding force forever. Even if one strays from it, they will return to it, eventually. Serious stuff, right there...

6) Even though I live by faith in my Creator, my God, the One who rescued me, I'm a bit of a realist. I see things as they truly are. I can't abide by, or even entertain lies. Deception, to me, is the same as a lie. Just because one tells part of the story, doesn't mean they aren't hiding the rest of the story, so they might escape being judged. Or as a cover-up. It seems so easy (to me) to tell when someone isn't speaking the truth, the whole truth. I don't like superficial encounters. That's a serious over-thinker, most likely...

7) Last, and certainly least, I may, on occasion, be a tad bit stressed. Seriousness will do that to ya.

So, now you know why this gal right here, is so serious most of the time. I hope you never catch a frown on my face. It's really not the look I'm going for. 🤣

Working on being more "in the moment", here you will find me...in Mary's World. 

P.S.

Cast your vote in the comment section. Will I  succeed, or will I not, since I've already lived 77 years. UGH! That's a LOT of seriousness!!! And I'm in mega trouble for posting this picture. It was a fun night at Greg and Meg's!!!

Reality or Imagination?

Buckle up buttercup. We're going for a ride...

When someone tells you "It's all in your mind" it really is. Real, or not, all our thoughts originate in the subconscious mind. For instance, have you ever wondered if you are real? Have you ever sat and contemplated reality as we know it? Have you ever looked around you and wondered if what you were seeing was indeed real? Before you begin to wonder if this blogger is on some weird medicine, or has possibly given in to the psychotic behavior you've always thought she teetered on, let me dispel your fears. It takes something pretty scary, health wise, to get me to even down an aspirin, or an anti-inflammatory. I have to have a raging headache that causes my eyes to feel as if they will explode, for at least 3 days before I reach for the Tylenol bottle. 

I treasure a clear mind so that I can be aware of reality, and have the ability to make good decisions, which I haven't always done. Yet, there have been days (not recently...thank God), that my brain has taken me to places that some would consider concerning. I have seen some pretty horrific things, over the years, that I keep tucked away in an obscure, subconscious file, that will cause me to wonder about reality from time to time. Rightly dividing the truth can, at times, take a minute (or two). And, yes. I have pinched myself to make sure I'm still among the living. Are you worried, yet? 😉😂

There was a time, some years ago, while in one of these "reality" situations, nothing felt real. Standing in my kitchen, I began questioning myself about things that had always been true. Call the hubs (I didn't, 'cause I knew what he would say and I didn't want to hear it, real or not). Call the girls (they laughed while assuring me I was still present). Stir up some Energy Bites (yum!), clean the house (ahchoo!), touch the reflection in the mirror (hummmm), etc., etc. The way I was able to finally release myself from this dark feeling, was to decide that if I wasn't real, if the life I had lived was truly no more, then whatever this was that I was experiencing at that moment WAS my reality! And it was time for a pinch. 😁 

Just a curious question: Did you know the conscious mind can speak with the subconscious, and that the subconscious can speak to the conscious? The subconscious mind processes information and affects everything we say and do. It stores our beliefs and values, determines our memories and monitors the information around us, deciding what to send to the conscious mind and what to store for later. Interesting! Yes? Scientists say the subconscious mind is 95% of the brain, while the conscious mind is only 5%. So, most thinking takes part in the subconscious, then hands it over to the conscious for planning and critical thinking.
 

Soooo...is this why we can have moments of life "disappear" for a time? Some call it a "memory lapse." Does the subconscious protect us while it processes what we can, or cannot handle in the moment??? I say it's very possible. Even likely. Do you think we can reprogram our subconscious? Can we change our mental reality? Ugh! My brain hurts. 😉😁

Resting in God's Grace, here you'll find me...in Mary's World

Overthinking the Wind's Resistance

As long as I can remember, I've been someone who loves to be different than the norm. I rarely "go with the flow". It's much too boring and why would I want to "fit in" with the masses? This attitude crept into the world of business as I took up the challenge of being my own boss. The buck would always stop with me as I chose the extra ordinary. Rarely did anyone know the why behind those choices. 

I had mostly kept to myself in the early years of teenage-hood, as I became known as the quiet one. Maybe a little shy. But that wasn't it at all. I had been taught that children should be seen, but not heard, and it carried over into my pre-adult era. It's super easy to judge someone by what is shown outwardly, but super hard getting to know the real human behind the curtain. 

I took it all in, storing everything inside a file located in the back room of my brain. I saw the lions. I saw the mice. I saw the richness of souls. I saw the poverty of souls. As I read the rooms my feet carried me into, I prepared myself for the unknown. Little did I know the unknown was about to completely mess with my views of humanity and the world at large.

There is a Celtic expression from long ago, that has forever intrigued me. It sounds nice, just not realistic enough for my views. "May the wind be at your back" indicates life should always be easy, never challenging, and we all know that simply isn't reality. I get it, though. The expression was meant to give as a blessing of always being in good situations where help from external forces was present. Possibly even spiritual forces helping us along our journey. And even though I know that many times I have been accompanied by the spiritual realm (the unseen), as I navigate life, I still want the challenges that serve to improve the journey. The ones that cause me to look inside myself to see what God has put there that I can draw upon.

Without challenges, without difficulties, without sorrows, without self-reflection, without stumbling blocks and mountains, we would be a tad spoiled without any real value. We may be great to look at, but without any depth of the soul, I fear we wouldn't have much to offer this world.

Sooo....let the wind be in my face. Let it cool my physical body, as it warms my spirit, while forcing me to engage with it. Let the wind be in my face, pushing against this human shell I call home, so I might try harder, become stronger, and be more understanding of others reality. Let the wind be in my face so that I might learn to resist the push-back and look for a better way than my own.

"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and the rains fall soft upon your fields." It's really a nice Irish blessing, but...don't we always reap what we sow? 

Sowing doesn't come without hardships. I'll just leave that here for us to contemplate for a bit.

Overthinking the wind, here you will find me...in Mary's World

Becoming Conditioned to What We've Become

It was around the age of 7, or 8, that I remember thinking I must be an obedient child, just to please my dad and not be an embarrassment to the family. As with many little ones, the brain processes discipline a bit differently than the adult brain does. I thought it was the only way to make him proud of who I was. And so, I began the process of becoming someone I was never created to be. A people pleaser. I'm sure he had some of the same experiences as a child. Most do. Humanity does.

Throughout my lifetime I have worn many masks. Some would have said I had multiple personalities, had they stuck close enough to witness my people pleasing attributes. It all came from an underlying fear that had been felt early in life and continued until around the age of 22, when I finally began to face it for what it was. It's identity came from a fear of punishment if I didn't conform. Please don't misunderstand. I had parents who loved me and wanted the best for me. But I've often wondered if my dad (the one given the heart-wrenching responsibility of disciplining his children), acted more out of what others would think of the preachers kids had they been allowed to be anything other than "seen, but not heard". 

We (my siblings) all learned early on not to speak unless spoken to. Especially when adults were around. In retrospect, that may have actually been a good thing. And for the most part, I do believe we showed the respect required of us. We MAY have messed up a time or two, 🥴😉 for which I'm sure we would have paid dearly. At least discipline was consistent in those days. No warnings. Just actions, because we "knew better." Today, the pendulum has swung so far away from center, we now find ourselves living mostly in a "me first" world. Almost as if we are the only ones who truly matter.

You've heard the old saying that still waters run deep, right? Those who are slow to speak are the ones that intrigue me the most. I wonder what they're thinking. And if a smile (NOT a smirk) were to etch itself across their face, my curiosity peaks! Those are the ones that don't demand they be heard, but I'm pretty sure they still have fight in them, should they need it, and enough wisdom to lead a world, should they choose.

The years flew past, and I was told early on in my adult life that I had a need to be seen. Yet, the need to be seen wasn't nearly as strong as the need to be heard was. That statement hurt my innermost being, and is most likely why I still remember it being said and when it was said. WHY it was said is still a mystery. It was an observation of theirs, I suppose. As a woman freed from her marital abuser at the age of 22, it took another 10 (or so) years for me to feel my opinions were worthy of hearing. So, with shoulders back, and head held high, my journey took a much needed turn around the age of 35. I was about to prove the meaning of my linage's last name. Yep...I had become pretty vocal. Maybe that is the why.

It's so easy to become conditioned to what we've become over the years, that we no longer consider we may be living a lie. We may have forgotten our real identity and just conformed to a reality that is temporal, at best. 

I want to end this small entry by sharing a quote from The Road Back to You, written by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. Ian quoted Thomas Merton, a great Christian thinker referencing our spiritual birthright journey. He said, "Before we can become who we really are, we must become conscious of the fact that the person who we think we are, here and now, is at best an impostor and a stranger." 

Diving deep, here you will find me...in Mary's World.

Randomosity (things about me) from March 26th, 2011🤣

Waiting on my last client of the day (I had 15 minutes on my hands), I started scrolling through my "Memories" on FaceBook. It's always fun to see what was happening this day last year and up to however many years one has been on FaceBook. I Can't believe gas prices were as high as $3.39 (#29), 13 years ago!!! 😳

It's interesting to me that 13 years ago I was thinking about my mother, hoping I was something like her (#9). It was just the 8th of this month that I wrote a blog post asking that question. It's titled Am I Anything Like Her?

Read on...

RANDOMOSITY:

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are suppose to write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end choose 30 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you. Just quit the internal whining and do it. (To do this go to notes on your profile page, Paste these instructions in the body of the note type your 30 random things, tag 30 people, then click publish.

1. I can't believe my daughter asked me to do this.

2. I don't know if I really know myself that well...

3. I have a secret. Not sure how long THAT will last.

4. I have a bad habit of leaving my clothes on the arm of the love seat.

5. One of the goals in my life is to "go out strong."

6. I love it when my husband actually listens to what I am saying. And then responds.

7. I do not like being pacified. I would rather hurt and know the truth, than to be spared pain.

8. I hope it's raining the day God calls me home.

9. I hope some part of me is like my mother. There are times I would love to sit down with her and just listen to what's on her mind.

10. I have decided life is what you make it. You can turn situations around if given the opportunity and permission.

11. Seasons change. That's actually good. They are not the same. They are different...yet each one holds life and death.

12. There is a very real possibility that the Boston Fern is my favorite plant. Along with the Asparagus Fern, the Gardenia, and the plant with the tiny blooms and the end of a very tall, skinny stem...that I don't have a clue to what their name is.

13. My husband thinks I'm beautiful.

14. I love Phantom of the Opera and Chicago and Les Miserabe and Kenny G and Il Divo.

15. I have met the mental giant that decided that bathroom doors should open inward instead of outward. He said there would be way too many law suits if they swung outward. He thought too many people would pretend to be using the potty, just to lay in wait for their next victim. Open door, human falls to floor with broken nose.

16. I have a picture of myself at 28 years old, sitting on my jewelry chest, to remind me of who I am. The mirror lies.

17. I think I have the beginnings of arthritis in my left arm.

18. I actually like who I am. That has not always been the case.

19. I suppose 24 hours is still the same amount of time as it has always been. Yet, for some reason, I think God has commanded the earth to turn at a greater rate of speed so that 24 hours is now about the equivalent of 12, in years gone by, time.

20. I enjoy the memories of taking the girls to Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO.

21. I don't enjoy the memory of Dennis & I and LeRoy and Jani going to Silver Dollar City. WARNING: After reaching the age of 50, never get on a tilt-a-whirl whose seats face each other...'cause somebody has to sit riding backwards. And should that be you,  this may cause you to be VERRRRYYYY sick! For hours...

22. I was FFA Sweetheart my Junior year. I think it was fixed.

23. I love seeing my girls smile, hear them laugh, and yes...I still have the notes they wrote to me when they were very young. Well, actually...I have EVERY note/letter they have written to me.

24. I wish I had been kinder and more serving to my sister that got on my nerves.

25. I greatly dislike a runny nose.

26. It really tests my patience for people to drive 30 in a 55 limit, no passing zone, for 30 minutes and then stop in the middle of  high traffic, to make a non-signaled turn.

27. Every morning, I eat Honey Nut Cheerios with a sprinkle (or three) of walnuts, covered in Fat Free Milk (from Brahms) and have 2-3 cups of coffee.

28. I wish the crazy, weird things would stop happening at the shop.

29. Gas prices in Miami, OK.? $3.39

30. The biggest job (outside of being a parent) I have tackled? Decluttering!

Now wasn't that interesting? 😉😉😂 I probably could do a 2024 edition if you'd like. 🤣🤣😂

Until I find something more interesting to talk about, here you will find me, randomly waiting...in Mary's World.

Time and It's Stored Memories

They say that as one ages, memories are all they have left. I'm not so sure I agree with that, exactly. But, most definitely memories are, on many days, front and center of my thoughts. 

This one, for instance. It was in the year of 1986, taken at our very small church gathering to celebrate something or another. I think we looked for things to celebrate back then. 😁

This was taken about 3 months, or so, after B.F. Goodrich closed their doors in Miami, Oklahoma, and Dennis had just landed a job at Walmart that paid $11 LESS (on the hour) than what Goodrich had been paying him at the time they decided to get rid of one of their tire manufacturing places. His beginning pay at Walmart was a mere $3 (and some odd cents), per hour. Miami took a hit that almost turned them into a ghost town when B.F. Goodrich closed its doors. Seriously! It took the town a few years to recover, because many of the residents of this small Northeastern town worked for B.F.Goodrich. They were the highest paying employer for miles around and it kept our economy booming.

After the loss of that job, our backs were up against a wall, so-to-speak, so I had to reopen my salon, known as Mary's Place. I cried for a solid week. Every day, as I prepared the relaunch of the salon, my heart broke into a million pieces. I had closed the salon just a few days before Lindsey made her way into this world, and we had decided I should be a full time mom. Now, 4 years later, I was having to choose business over cuddling and playing with my girls. Still, the added work just wasn't enough, even though we had been humbled as we accepted Food Stamps to provide the bare necessities of life with 2 little people depending on us. Dennis needed a job! It took a while. Yet, while others were claiming bankruptcy, losing their homes, divorces invading the once secure families, and men refusing to work for under $14 an hour (that was a lot back in the day), Dennis was protecting his. As was I.

The girls were just getting used to their dad without all his facial hair, when the above pic was taken. "No beards," was one of Walmarts rules if you wanted to work for them. That changed over the years, and D.W. grew his beard back to look more like himself, as the first "okay" came down the pike. I remember the tears coming from Lindsey and Meg when they first saw his shaven face. I think they must have been a bit confused as to how he sounded like their daddy, but looked nothing like him. His (now gone) prickly whiskers caused them to doubt his words. Meghan cried a little harder, as Lindsey took a couple of steps back away from this strange looking man, that looked more like a very tall boy, who claimed to be her daddy. If Lindsey wanted nothing to do with him, Meghan sure didn't! She wasn't falling for that bag of tricks.

It's been said that pictures are worth a thousand words, and that pictures don't lie. Pictures do lie. We were just holding it all together, smiling as if nothing was wrong, when the above picture was taken. But, we DID get through that very trying time, and many other trying times (with a different twist) have come our way since then. I suppose the moral of this story would be to always look forward, pull yourself up by your boot straps, and forge onward, until that brighter day comes towards you. Reach for it, pray for it, stand steady while waiting, doing all you know to do, and grab it when it comes! Because it WILL come!

See? We made it!!! 

Left to right: Lindsey w/daughter Warner, Me (Grams), Meg w/daughter Reagan, and Dennis (Gramps). Look how we've changed over the years! I suppose we should get a picture of our entire family, right? It's really, really, hard getting all 10 of us in the same place at the same time. Maybe next blog post...

Until then, here you will find me...in Mary's World.